“First I have a brief statement I’d like to read and then I’ll entertain any questions you have. In spite of the usual unconstructive partisan attacks and the Opposition’s continued attempts to distract from the real issues that concern citizens, the Prime Minister feels confident that we have plans that will best serve this country at this momentous time. I’ll now take your questions.
“Yes. Well, first let me address a few points before I answer your question. There have been a lot of distortions in what you in the press have been saying about recent events and I’d like to clarify that before we move on. First, the events of last week in no way constitute an invasion by alien forces. As the galactic representative made very clear in his press conference last week, they have been living among us unknown for years. They are simply seeking to reformulate the nature of their relationship with us at this time. Now, characterizing what the galactic representative said as a “harangue” is, not only patently untrue, but sets an unhealthy tone to the dialogue.
“Well, he finds the language very difficult, as I’m sure we can all appreciate.
“No, I think I did answer your previous question. And again that’s not really why we’re here. This party is interested in ensuring that this government is effective and isn’t drawn into pointless arguments about illusory concerns with the Opposition.
“Again many of these events have been taken out of context. Those deaths were most likely caused by some virus, not a death ray. But I can’t really comment on an ongoing investigation.
“Let me clarify: it’s suspected that the brains were sucked out through the nostrils, but again I cannot comment on an open investigation.
“No, Our Supreme Dark Lord has never stated, to my knowledge, any intention to ‘enslave humanity to eternal toil as minions in his army of darkness.’ Obviously that was taken out of context.
“Look. That is simply a literal translation of his title and I don’t think it’s fair to make rash assumptions from it. Prime Minister may sound totalitarian to them for all we know.
“Is there another question? Yes. I am well aware of all the rumors and supposition flying around. And no I do not know if they require our shrunken heads for divination in their religious ceremonies, nor what possible other use they might have for them. What I do know is that this country respects religious differences, and promotes galacticization.
“The Prime Minister and I both feel that all this talk and fear-mongering is cheap politics and distracts from the issue that matters most to people.
“As I have said several times already this week, Our Supreme Dark Lord has assured me that they have no further use for any experiments that may have been ongoing. But I really shouldn’t comment on an open investigation.